Catharsis via Process
Backstory
For a long time, my aim has been to repurpose some of the things I’ve acquired from my grandmothers home and incorporate it into my art. I’ve talked before about how the very idea of touching her things has been such a huge no-no my whole life that even after her death (and into my 40’s) it feels like I’m doing something wrong… forbidden. The thought of getting in trouble or being labeled a “bad girl” was something i feared because I wanted to be liked and loved so badly by the grown-ups.
As I got older though, it brought me pure delight to fantasize about smashing her things to bits and turning it into art. We had such a rough relationship. She was often difficult and needlessly mean and many times I thought would one day exact revenge …on her precious little things….
Idk if it was my sinister side talk in my ear or my higher self leading me to something that would be healing and liberating. But this was a pressing, constant thought for years.
So now I have the time and space and total access to execute on this. I’ve noticed that I still get kinda hesitant when confronted with this opportunity though. And I find that I have to take baby steps on this if I’m ever gonna really do it. I was surprised at the feelings that came up when i finally followed through on breaking something and remixing it into my art books.
Purpose + Process + Materials = (X)
Concpets
For this book, I wanted to experiment and practice some recently learned techniques. I wanted to keep practicing installing hardware (grommets in this case) and focus on coptic binding. I also wanted the cover to feel sculptural and dimensional. I created a triangular recess on the right side of the cover and nestled some faux leather in there for contrast in color and texture.
Of course, I wanted to include something that belonged to grandma. So i went through some of her costume jewelry and found a little Ashanti doll pendent. *pretty* It had a lovely gold patina on it and I had grommets to match. It was just the right size for the book and it would add just the right variety of depth and relief against the recess I created. I plopped it right in the center and it. changed. everything. (!!!) Suddenly it looked so powerful and surreal and charged with energy. I could hear it singing to me. And that’s when I know I’m on the right track…when work feels like it’s talking back to me and making itself known.
Cover Background + Pages
I wanted to use up one of my old inky abstract pages from the reject pile. I guess they aren’t really rejects because I save them. It’s the stack of pages that looks a mess as a whole and I’m not crazy about the results. But I know I can cut them up and use them in collage or in low pressure practice projects later. Many times they look really lovely once you cut them up and redefine the composition. Maybe a hot mess as a whole page….but this corner over here is gorgeous by itself.
I also just got some nice medium weight textured paper. The colors are beautiful, but its not the best for inking. So I used this as interior pages to fill the book. I arranged them chromatically, coordinating them with colors from the cover.
Uh Oh…(But Not Really)
I was thrilled that this looked so nice and felt so perfect. I ran over to my set up to take pics of the materials before it was too far along. I tripped….dropped the pendant…and the head of the doll broke clean off.
Okay welp… I guess I finally broke something! 😅 And totally by accident too. My worst fear as a kid. And literally nothing happened. I didn’t get in trouble. Her arm didn’t reach down from the sky and bitch slap me to oblivion. And it had no impact on the beauty of the piece. Here I was thinking it would be some big emotional moment of pure upset that I’d somehow fucked up. But no. It was mostly uneventful and I was 100% fine. Didnt even miss the taste of the sweetness of breaking something on purpose just to posthumously stick it to her.
I was more inclined to just keep making the project. I was actually more surprised to find that it was really made of clay (not brass) with painted bronzy-gold on it. So I moved the pieces around to see if I liked it in different arrangements. Ultimately, I just glued them back together and you can’t even tell it ever broke. Ha!
A Piece of Me
It still needed something else tho. More texture, I thought. Something lacey or mesh or a netted material. Some sort of dark fabric texture you could see through I thought would be perfect. I tried recalling what I might have around the house/studio. And it hit me…the fascinator I wore to her funeral. It had a fishnet veil and was made of stiff meshy material. Boom. Maybe I could even add one of the feathers too….(?)
I had just come across that hat the day before and wondered if i’d ever wear it again. But on this day, I knew I was all the way fine with cutting it up in the name of art. I thought: this must be why it crossed my path so randomly and so recently. I tried lots of things and wrestled with it a bit. Experimenting with manipulating the shapes and materials.
In the end, a simple accent on the triangle was all it needed. It married the leather and the designs on the linen paper beautifully. I added another small bit of leather and some of the black and gold thread I used for the binding to subtlety marry those materials too, while adding depth and texture and balance.
Pages + Finishing Touches
Using some scraps from the background paper, I made some signature circles to add energy to the tension and direction of the cover. This added to the sensation of an invisible suspension of the doll. NOW this was really looking very cosmic and totally me. The little goddess felt like she was levitating and defying the bounds of earthly physics…
…I love adding small touches that are subtle but highly reflective against light. For this a added a few tiny Swarovski crystals here and there. To me this makes a piece magically dynamic. This is true when there is a variety of texture too. As the viewer walks by, there is a sparkle from the crystals, a sheen emerges that wasnt apparent before, or sudden color shift from metallic inks appears that adds real life to a piece. I like when it makes someone want to move and tilt the piece around just to see it happen. Or even better…move their body as they walk by, sway about, or move their head around just to interact with the piece playing with the light. I get a real kick out of seeing that as a reaction.
Funny Thing Is…
I realize that I’ve created something that has a “no touching” rule and I absolutely love it. I like the idea of making sculptural books that are not for picking up and flipping through or writing/drawing in. You can look at it, ask questions about it, contemplate it, or admire its beauty. But that’s it. 😏😅
I also realize these are tiny steps towards bigger ideas and I’m happy to be building the confidence to explore these concepts more and more…fearlessly.
I’m very proud of this book and it has been affirmed that making these books with these sort of meaningful objects are a path to letting go and healing. Grandma doesnt control me and letting go or repurposing her stuff doesnt even have to be painful. It can actually be fun, free of anger, and full of beauty. 🖤
